You Say Gold Digger, I Say Femenist

When I was just a wee young lad of two years, I declared that when I grew up I was going to be a stay at home dad. My 4 year old brother, who insisted that I develop a real plan to support my future family,   couldn't understand my glorious vision. I had it all worked out though. My wife would be rich, so there was no need for me to work. I could hang out and play with my kids all day.

Before you get too excited about my plans though, you should also know that in the same year I also claimed that my wife and I would have bunk beds. I had already called top bunk too. It wasn't because the top bunk is the best (I prefer the lady on top if you know what I mean), but rather because I knew I would be taller than my wife. It would be safer for her to be on the bottom because she would be closer to the ground. *Collective "awww" from the ladies reading*

At this point, I don't know that either of those claims will be in the cards when it eventually comes time for marriage. I'm definitely going to pitch both ideas though. I am currently designing a bed in which the bottom is a king, and there is a queen size top bunk. While I'm down to cuddle for a prolonged period of time, when it comes to sleeping, I need my space dammit.

Harry Potter Wand Strap

via Reddit

As I reference in the Epic Rap Battle: Gandolph v Dumbledore post, I haven't read any of the Harry Potter books or watched many of the movies. It's my understanding though that Scar Face drops his wand on multiple importune moments. Thankfully, someone went ahead and took care of that for him. The best solutions are often times the most simple.

If you haven't watched the rap battle, I'd highly recommend clicking the link above and checking it out.

Strange Seaches Ending At The Flint Skinny

People continue to make their way to The Flint Skinny through some interesting searches. Disney Babe Pussy? What's wrong with you people?

Rebecca Black's Future Is Very Ugly

Rebecca Black's new song came out today. No, I will not be posting it. Her music does not deserve the publicity that it's getting from the blogosphere, and I won't be a part of that.

Am I the only one that sees this likeness though? I'm pretty sure she's the bastard daughter of the Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stanger. I hate both of them equally, so it would make sense. It might just be that stupid haircut though.

Quickest Way To Give Soccer A Ratings Bump

If you are one of the many who find soccer to be boring, check out Maradona's team. These guys have the incentive play hard line to line.

Future Member Of Burn Your Bra Tuesday?

These are the sort of people with whom I associate. Before you ask, no, my name isn't Jeff so she wasn't talking to me. It is, however, a friend of the program.

Pros: No Bra.
Cons: Doesn't change, doesn't shower, looks like a troll, cat picture.

via TheAmoeba

Don't Watch This Hipster Cruelty Video

We've all seen the Sarah McLachlan commercials about animal cruelty. It takes a terrible person to not tear up a little bit when that song kicks in and the sad pathetic cats and dogs show up on screen. Thankfully, I am just one of those people. I realize that it's sad that these animals don't have homes, but why would I want a retarded pet? Raising a dog is enough work as it, let alone trying to control one that has issues. You know who else is pathetic and could really use a home? Homeless people. I don't see Sarah McGuiltTrip trying to get me to adopt a bum. It would be a better investment too because hypothetically they can become self-sustaining after a while. Which brings me to my next point - don't help hipsters.

Hipsters are essentially bums, only worse. They look and smell homeless, but they are too lazy to beg for money. If you've been with The Skinny for awhile, you know that I like when a guy at least tries to earn his spare change, so a hobo without a talent doesn't deserve squat from me. If I had my way, I would force every hipster to sit down with my dead grandfather and get lectured about the importance of having a job and being a contributing member of society.

About a month ago, I wrote a satirical article for Guyism outline drink ordering etiquette. Much like that article, this video is the opposite of what you should do.



Twist of the ironic mustache to Bryn for this one.

Planking In Motion On Bourbon Street

Planking is pretty retarded. I admit that at first I thought it was funny to see where people turned up lying down, but that was a very fleeting joy. This guy, though, has finally brought me some plankertainment.

The video started out as your standard stop motion. OK, kinda cool. Then once he started to step up 2: the streets, the video got a whole lot better. Watching the people's reaction to a guy laying dead on the ground next to them was pretty entertaining. It's amazing how no one got upset or caused a ruckus. People just laughed about it, stepped over him, and in one case, ran away.

What is terrifying about this is the fact that it's on Bourbon Street. I can't imagine legitimate place that is more filthy that N'awlins. My arch-enemy Daniel Tosh wasn't joking when he said, "If there's any city that could have used a bath, it was New Orleans." At the end you'll notice he planks a strip club. I can only hope that he picked up a back-room penicillin shot while he was there.




The best part is easily the 2:48 mark.

Steve Buscemi Dress Giveaway!

The first ever Flint Skinny giveaway is potentially upon us. After coming across this tremendous Steve Buscemi dress on Buzzfeed, I decided someone needed to have it. I can't justify throwing away $110 for no reason, so I decided to make a challenge of it.

If the Flint Skinny fan page gets to 1100 people by this Friday, July 15th, at 5pm Central, I will buy and give away one of these incredible dresses to a fan selected at random. There are a few stipulations.

• 1. The fan must be female. It's sexism, deal with it.
• 2. In exchange for such a wonderful gift, the winner must post a photo wearing it. After that, she can do with it as she wishes, though I would advise filming people's reactions while you walk around town wearing it.

That's pretty much it. I clearly haven't thought this through, so if I think of any more later I'll add them, and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm giving away a dress, this isn't exactly a formal operation.

The bottom line is that if you want to see a woman wearing Steve Buscemi, tell your friends about the page. If we hit 1000, then it's game on!

Facebook.com/TheFlintSkinny

Jackass 4: Weekend At Bernie's

If you believe in "too soon" when it comes to celebrities, then The Flint Skinny's not for you.

via Buzzfeed

Beckham Scores A Goal And Names Daughter

Not to be outdone by a bunch of women, David Beckham is back in the news. Not only did he actually bend it like Beckham for the first time in ages, he also added another kid to he and Sexy Mrs Fake Tit's litter. How do you ensure that people talk about your new baby? Give her a dumb name, obviously. This isn't as bad as some, but Harper Seven is pretty terrible.

Dean Martin Burger Recipe

If you are like me, you've probably often wondered what kind of burger recipe Dean Martin used. Well, wonder no more. If you want me tips on how to grill a better burger out, check out my Guyism article here.